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Handling
Peer Pressure
The very idea of "peer pressure" strikes fear in the
hearts of most parents. Images of their kids following the crowd
rather than remaining independent thinkers is enough to start
any parent lecturing children about good judgment.
But what too many parents overlook is that sometimes peer influence
can be instructive and even healthy. Kids engage in this social
dynamic with their friends because it teaches them how to get
along in the world.
So how can parents best help their children develop the judgment
necessary to determine when it is beneficial to go with the
flow and when it is critical to walk away?
Here
are some specific warning signs that your child may be having
a hard time with peer pressure:
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Excessive demands for material things
his friends have. |
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Disregarding your rules in order
to do things with his friends. |
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Stealing with friends |
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Any hint of alcohol or drug abuse. |
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Discoveries that your child has seriously
mislead you about friends, whereabouts or activities. |
How parents can help
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One way to help your child deal with
peer pressure is by helping build their self-esteem. Young
people with high self-esteem handle peer pressure better
than those with low self-esteem.Here are some ways you
can do this: |
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Let them know you are proud of them,
and that you trust them |
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Keep lines of communication open. |
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Encourage them to bring friends home.
Make your home a welcoming place. |
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Let them take part in making decisions |
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Another important thing you can do
is help your children make decisions for themselves. Teach
them how to how to look at their options. Point out that
whatever they decide, they must be willing to face what
happens. |
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Here are some things you should ask
them to think about as they make decisions about things
like drinking and drugs. |
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What will happen if they choose one
option or the other? |
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What are the positive and negative
consequences of their actions? |
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How will they feel the next day? |
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Will they get into trouble with their
parents, friends or teacher? |
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Will they put themselves in danger? |
Some Tips:
Listen compassionately, not
judgmentally. When your child comes to you upset because
he/she was picked on or rejected by other children, it's hard
not to jump in and intervene.
Don't
back down from your values. Parents worry that peer pressure
will undo all of their efforts to teach positive values. As
they get older, your children are going to test your values.
They may hear the message from their peers that it's cool to
smoke or that it's wimpy to be respectful to adults. Your kids
will try on behaviors and attitudes that are contrary to your
values.
Teach children to
stand up for themselves. When your child is facing a
problem with a peer, the best thing you can do is help him figure
out how to handle the problem on his own.
Encourage your child's self-esteem. The compulsion to
compare and compete happens early with kids. Your child may
be convinced that he simply can't survive if she doesn't dress
exactly like everyone else or that she'll die if she isn't part
of the "in" crowd.
In fact, most children don't want to be unique. They want to
be just like everyone else and be liked by everyone else.
Praise your child for doing
the right thing. Recognize that the hardest thing is
when your child takes an independent position because he believes
it is the thing to do. The child who learns to limit the influence
of peers is the true leader with a steady moral compass.
Ask your child to tell you about
some of the groups at school. What are they like, how
do they act, who is their leader, what's their music, why are
people attracted to them? Ask him what group(s) he's in and
what it's like.
Be observant.
If you see subtle changes in dress or appearance, find out what's
behind the new look.
When
failure occurs, make sure you talk through the situation and
gently help the child articulate in his own words what went
wrong. Your child will make some mistakes and succumb
to peer pressure. With a force this pervasive and powerful,
this is to be expected. As you deal with these failures, remember
that some good testing of convictions is exactly what you want
to occur when your child is still at home-where you can guide,
correct, and instruct.
Applaud
your child's good choices. We often get too excited about
the wrong things. Sure, the touchdown or basket scored in the
ball game is worth cheering. But what should get us up for a
standing ovation are those choices our children make that reveal
their convictions and character. Trophies tarnish; character
doesn't. Character glistens. Character is what lasts into the
next generation.
Don't
always try to rescue your child from loneliness. Nothing
has saddened us more than watching our children make right choices-and
then having to stand alone. Every one of our children has experienced
different levels of loneliness in junior high and on into high
school. It also carries over into college and young adulthood
as well.
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