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Four
Common Ways Parents Discourage their Children
1. Focusing on Mistakes: Pointing
out errors and not carefully commenting on the things that were
done well, makes a child think that he/she does more wrong than
right. Such discouragement leads to more mistakes, which produce
more criticism from the parent and the cycle continues. Along
with corrections which helps them know what to do next time,
children probably need to hear four
to five times as much about what they do right to balance
the effect our criticism may have on their courage and self-esteem.
Instead of focusing on mistakes--->
Build on strengths
Our successes boost our courage and motivate us to want to do
even better. The same is true for our children. Helping them
experience the joy of achievement and then commenting on the
strengths they called upon to make achievement happen is a wonderful
way to encourage further progress.
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Focus your encouragement on the
behavior rather than the child. |
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Comment on the effort, not just the
results. |
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Break large tasks into smaller steps. |
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Look for past examples of strengths
to encourage your child to take the next step. |
2. Personality Attacks and Perfectionism:
A more subtle form of personality attack is perfectionism. This
is the tendency to expect more from the child than she's giving.
The message of perfectionism is that no matter how well you
do, you should have done better. When children come to believe
that they are never quite good enough, they lose motivation:
"I never did it well enough anyway, so why try?" Even
when these children seem to keep trying, they never feel secure
in their achievements. They may get all As, but rather than
enjoy the accomplishment, they're already worrying about the
next challenge to their perfection. Such perfectionist thinking
has been linked to eating disorders and depression in adolescents.
Instead of expecting too much/perfectionism--->
Show acceptance
Parents who are achievers sometimes unwittingly send
the message that they accept their children as long as they
perform to their parents' standards. Because all children have
a fundamental need to belong, to feel accepted and wanted--especially
by their parents--any suspicion that Mom's or Dad's acceptance
is conditional undermines a child's sense of security, self-confidence,
and courage.
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Let the children know through words
and actions that we love and value them for themselves,
just because they are our children. |
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We want to encourage their success,
and we may not accept certain behavior, but we always
accept them as unique and special human beings who are
gifts in our lives. |
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Our body language conveys the acceptance.
So, we need to be very caonsious about our non-verbal
communication |
3. Negative Expectations: Negative
expectations from parents discourage children from trying. Our
children can sense when we expect the worst from them, even
if we don't use the words. If you yourself believe your child
is hopeless in math, you can say, "I know you can do this,"
but your tone of voice will give a different message. Or perhaps
you wait only a few seconds for your child to answer a question
and then hurriedly give him the answer. You and your child may
not even be consciously aware of this difference, but the message
is received: "You don't think I can get it."
Instead of negative expectations--->
Show confidence
All children can learn, even though some may take longer
than others to master a concept or a skill. Your confidence
in your child's ability to keep going when he feels frustration
and defeat, your confidence that he'll eventually succeed, your
confidence that he'll make something useful of his life--this
is the encouragement that can make the difference between success
and failure. To show confidence, you really have to believe
that your child is capable of success.
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Keep your confidence in line with
reality. |
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Show confidence by giving responsibility |
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Ask your child's opinion |
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Don't rescue your child from frustration
- Instead, try offering partial help and let them still
take part of the credit. |
4. Overprotection: When
we step in and do for children what they could eventually do
for themselves, we send the message that "you can't handle
it." Children must be free to overcome their frustrations,
solve their own problems, and accept the consequences of their
choices if they are to develop the stamina required to succeed
in school and in the community. The overprotected child easily
gives up when things are difficult. She looks for someone else
to solve her problems, and lives with many unrealistic fears
that hamper her growth.
How can a parent tell when she's offering reasonable protection
and when she's overprotecting? Two rules of thumb may help:
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Ask yourself the worst that could
happen if you don't step in. |
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Never do for your child on a regular
basis what your child can do for herself. Be on guard
against the rationalization, "But it's easier to
do it myself." It may be easier and faster in the
short run, but think of the damage you do in the long
run. Eventually your child may not be able to do much
of anything for himself that presents a challenge--including
school work. |
Instead of expecting too little/overprotection--->
Stimulate independence
As children learn to do more and more for themselves,
they become more confident, take on new challenges, learn more,
and continue to succeed. By stimulating our children's independence,
we can help them grow into mature, responsible adults
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