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Practical
Strategies for Promoting Healthy Communication Patterns
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Pay attention to non-verbal messages |
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Be an active listener. |
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Communicate frequently |
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Communicate clearly and directly. |
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Use "I" messages |
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Emphasize the positive. |
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Model effective communication skills |
Road Blocks to Effective Communication
Parents who communicate effectively build a strong and healthy
relationship with their children. Parents' words, the tone of
your voice, and the way you approach your children can either
shut the door to communication by acting as a Road Block or
it can strengthen and build healthy, respectful communication
in the form of Building Blocks of communication. So both the
Verbal communication, that is the words that we use and the
nonverbal communication, which is how we say the words, our
tone, emotions, and body language, have a great impact on the
communication process.
| Situations |
Adult Responses |
Road Block |
What it means |
| S-1 Dad, Rohan
just took my truck. |
R-1. It's your
problem. You solve it. |
Rejecting
Giving no support
|
It's your problem,
not mine
|
| S-2. Mom, the glass
of milk just fell over on the floor. |
R-2. Look what
you did! The carpet is ruined! It's all your fault! |
Blaming/Criticizing
Placing fault on the other person
|
It's your fault.
|
| S-3. Dad, I got
9/20 in the chemistry test. |
R-3. Look at your
marks, you're really dumb! |
Labeling
Calling names or words that are negative
|
Only a dummy would
do it that way |
| S-4. I think I'll
go to the movie tomorrow, Mom. |
R-4. You will not.
You're going to stay home and study. You're going
to bring your grades up. |
Ordering
Giving solutions with no choices
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You must do this
now. |
| S-5. Can I go to
play now, I'll study tomorrow.
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R-5. If you don't
study now, I wont take you to the party.
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Threatening/Bribing
Using threats or bribes to try to make someone do
something
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If you don't do
what I want …
If you do what I want, I'll do this for you.
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| S-6. Mom, I really
need to know if I can go to my friend's house on
Saturday night. |
R-6. We'll see
- I'll think about it. |
Waffling
Not being clear and consistent in setting limits
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Well, maybe …
We'll see …
I'll think about it …
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| S-7. Your child
comes home from school, slams the door shut, drops
his/her clothes on the floor, kicks the cabinet,
and turns on the TV. |
R-7. You frown,
cross your arms, tap your foot, and stand in front
of your child. |
Acting- Non Verbal
Using body language that sends negative messages
or that rebuffs; being physically abusive
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Crossing arms
not looking at speaker; walking away;
tapping feet;
shaking finger in face;
hitting;
kicking
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No parent is perfect. We all sometimes lose our patience and
say and do things that we regret. Effective, healthy communication
skills can be learned. Children deserve to learn communication
skills from adults who are honest, respectful, and caring. It
is advised that parents use the many Building Blocks to Effective
Communication and thus play a role model in advocating and transferring
these communication skills to their offspring. Building Blocks
to Effective Communication vastly help strengthen the most cherished
and long lasting relationship of a child and his or her parents.
| Situations |
Adult Responses |
Road Block |
What it means |
| S-1. Dad, it's
been a terrible day. Absolutely horrible - I really
messed up my chemistry paper! |
R-1. Would you
like to tell me about it? I'll just listen. |
Listening:
Focusing on the present; |
Not bringing up
past problems or mistakes; creating safety to express
anything |
| S-2. Look at what
I made with my blocks and trucks and sticks! |
R-2. You worked
a long time to build your city and look at how you
used every block. |
Praising:
Giving earned rewards frequently; |
Recognizing efforts
rather than products or end results |
| S-3. I hate you! |
R-3. I love you
and feel very sad when you say that. |
Feeling:
Sharing feelings such as anger, joy, and frustration;
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Using "I"
statements I feel |
| S-4. I can't believe
that my teacher has given me a 2/6 in this question.
I worked really hard and wrote everything he had
said in the class. |
R-4. You sound
very frustrated and disappointed? Is that right?
Would you like to talk about it? |
Listening:
Identifying the feeling as well as the content
and asking the person to confirm it It sounds
like you were very frustrated by the class change.
Is that right? |
Empathise &
reassure
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| S-5. Dad, look
at me, look at me! I swam to the other side of
the pool. |
R-5. You are
such a good swimmer and know how to be safe in
the water. |
Affirming:
Finding the positive to express.
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IYou are so competent.
You make me happy when you |
| S-6. I just don't
like him. He's so dumb. I don't care if I ever play
with him again. |
R-6. Can you tell
me more about what happened with him? |
Clarifying
Asking for more information when unsure
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Is that so? |
| S-7. Your child
comes home from school, slams the door shut, drops
his/her clothes on the floor, kicks the cabinet,
and turns on the TV. |
R-7. You sit next
to your child, hold his/her hand, look him/her in
the eye, and then tell him/her that you would like
to know why he/she is so angry. |
Acting
Finding physical ways to show care, concern,
and attention
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Touch
Pat
Hold for reassurance
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The four steps of Active listening
1. Stop - When your
child approaches you with something to share, stop what you
are doing and pay attention. Let children know that you are
listening and that they are important.
2.
Look - Be sure to make eye contact with children by getting
down on their level and facing them directly. A pleasant facial
expression will encourage children to share their feelings and
concerns. Look for nonverbal cues that can help you respond
accurately to what they are trying to say.
3.
Listen - Focus your attention on what your child is saying
by listening to their words and their tone. Listen carefully
to what children actually say as well as what they may be trying
to say.
Listening to get
inside another person's mind and heart is called "empathic"
listening. It enables you to see as someone else sees. Empathic
listening is listening with intent to understand the other individual's
frame of reference and feelings. You must listen with your ears,
your eyes and your heart. It's deeply therapeutic and healing
because it gives an individual "psychological air."
Next to physical survival, the greatest need of a human being
is psychological survival - to be understood, to be affirmed,
to be validated, and to be appreciated. An individual will never
be able to truly step inside another being and see the world
as he sees it until that individual can develop the pure desire,
the strength of personal character, and the positive emotional
bank account as well as the empathic listening skills.
4. Respond - Depending
on what your child has said, respond to the child actively by:
a) Paraphrasing what you have just heard when appropriate. This
could include helping your child label feelings or describe
situations.
b) Ask a question that will lead your child to her own solution.
Emotional statements require empathic, logical-emotional responses.
Children will open up to their parents if they feel their parents
will love them unconditionally and will be faithful to them
afterwards, never ridiculing them. Sometimes talking isn't necessary
to empathize; the words may get in the way.
When a child has clearly described something that happened,
an active response is one where the mummy restates the situation,
labeling any feelings that have been shared. For example, Rajeev
comes to his mother and says, "Look at my picture. I'm
going to take it home to show my teacher." An active response
could be, " Rajeev, you're so proud of your picture. Put
it in your bag so you'll remember to take it to school?"
In this example, Rajeev just needs a brief acknowledgment from
his mother and will likely return to work as soon as he gets
it.
One important listening skill to use when communicating with
your teenager is using Door Openers, as opposed to Door Slammers.
Door Openers are open-ended responses that do not convey evaluation
or judgment. Door Slammers are just the opposite. They convey
to your teenager that you do not wish to have this discussion
with them.
Examples of
Door Openers
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What do you think? |
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Would you like to share more about
that? |
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That's a good question. |
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I don't know, but I'll find out |
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I'm interested in what you are saying |
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Do you know what that means? |
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Do you want to talk about it? |
Examples
of Door Slammers
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You are too young to understand. |
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If you say that again, I'll. |
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That's none of your business |
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I don't care what your friends are
doing! |
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We'll talk about that when you need
to know. |
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Why are you asking me that? |
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You don't need to know about that |
Advantages
of Active Listening
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Helps children deal with and "defuse"
strong feelings. |
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Offers the speaker a chance to express
feelings and ventilate. |
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Helps children understand their own
emotions. |
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Facilitates problem solving. |
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Makes children more willing to listen
to others. |
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Promotes a closer, more meaningful
relationship between parent and the child. |
Parents can model good listening behaviour for their children
and advise them on ways to listen as an active learner, pick
out highlights of a conversation, and ask relevant questions.
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