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Conflict
between Siblings
Sibling conflict is an inevitable
part of family life Parents often say, "Why can't my
two boys play together for more than five minutes without
getting into an argument?" Or "How can my daughter
be so cruel to her brother." The family serves as the
optimal setting within which one can learn how to relate to
others, sustain attachments and caring, solve conflicts, and
manage ones own behavior. Parents can enhance the learning
that should take place in these special relationships. Most
often, parents don't realize what they are saying or doing
is causing one child to feel more competitive with a sibling,
or more jealous, or even unloved. There are various causes
that underlies Sibling Conflicts.
Underlying causes
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There are different levels of power,
knowledge, maturity, and authority |
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Comparing and labeling children |
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Relegating them to rigid roles |
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Projecting parent's personal problems
to children |
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Siblings are acutely sensitive to
any hints of favouritism, differences in the levels of
parent-child intimacy, and differences in the approaches
to discipline and behaviour management. |
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Each of the siblings is engaged
in a different stage of development. They are in the process
of developing different aspects of their personalities,
emotional life, and cognition. |
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Dealing ineffectively with conflicts |
Tips to solve siblings quarrel
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If the conflict is normal ignore
it. |
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Each child gets to tell the other
his or her side without being interrupted. Always move
children toward verbalization of feelings even if they
seem insignificant or silly |
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Summarize the problem. You may write
down information and read it back to your children, including
a reflection of each child's feelings |
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Let each child respond by naming
the problem. |
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Help children explore the possible
solutions. When they have had the chance to express their
emotions and feel understood, they are able to calm down
and use their thinking capacity to brainstorm. |
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Discuss all the solutions and decide
which one you can all live with. Over time your children
will become adept at this process and be able to facilitate
it without your intervention or presence |
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Try out the solution |
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Ask: Is the solution working? |
Using this process, you will find that your siblings not only
get along better, but also establish conflict-resolution skills
that will serve them throughout their lives.
Conflict between Child and Peer
It has been recognized that children interact with their peers
in their social environment with differing levels of involvement.
Children with smaller friendship networks and fewer friends
are more at risk of behavioral difficulties than children with
a larger network of friends. Number of friends a child has is
positively related to pro-social skills, such as leadership,
and is negatively related to socially aversive characteristics,
such as teasing and being bossy. Recently, researchers have
recognized that the family will influence the development of
children's peer relationships. Firstly, because children's most
important early social and emotional experiences occur in the
family context, and secondly, as with the nature of peer friendships,
familial relationships are similarly close and dual in nature.
Children spend a considerable amount of time interacting with
their peer groups. When children grow older, maintaining peer
relationships becomes an increasingly complex task that involves
concerns of closeness and friendship, as well as concerns of
social status, and peer group integration and functioning. Conflict
management is closely tied to friend-ship relations in childhood
and adolescence. Conflicts are instrumental in initiating and
maintaining friendships. Children manage conflicts and adopt
peace-making strategies in order to meet the expectations of
themselves and their friends, further their understanding of
the obligations and responsibilities of friendship, and maintain
these relationships. Children, are concerned with maintaining
their status in the group, which can affect their choice of
conflict management strategy.
Managing Conflicts using "I"
Messages
They provide a positive avenue for communicating feelings under
difficult circumstances. "I" messages have several
advantages and they can be used in many different types of situations.
Advantages of using "I"
messages:
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Helps to ease tension and conflict |
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Reduces defensiveness |
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Better prepares listener for feedback |
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Fosters honest communication |
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Assists you in defining the problem
you are having and/or the message |
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you want to send |
Ideal situations to use "I"
messages:
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When being interrupted |
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Stressful confrontations |
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To prevent a potential stressful
interaction |
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To give criticism |
Steps in using I-Messages:
There are four parts to delivering an I-message, although sometimes
not all four parts are used.
| Step 1 |
"I feel . . ."
Tell how you feel. |
| Step 2: |
Follow "I feel"
with a feeling word: "I feel disappointed" "when
you . . ." Tell what caused the feeling. "I
feel disappointed when you cancel our plans at the last
minute." |
| Step 3: |
"I want . . . "
Tell what you want to happen: "I feel disappointed
when you cancel our plans at the last minute. I want you
to let me know earlier if you can't make it." |
| Step 4: |
: "I" messages
can include a fourth part, a "because" section:
"I feel disappointed when you cancel our plans at
the last minute because then I'm left on my own, and it's
too late to plan something else. I want you to let me
know earlier if you can't make it." |
Examples:
Mother to teenage son:
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" "You" message: You
dirtied the floor with your muddy shoes! I just cleaned
that floor! You are always so careless. Couldn't you take
out your shoes outside? |
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I-message: When I see mud all over
the floor, I get irritated, because I have to clean it
up again. |
| Description of
Behavior |
Description of
Feeling |
Description of
Effects |
What's the behavior
that bothers you?
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What are you feeling
as a result of this behavior? |
How does this behavior
affect you? |
Mud all over the
clean floor
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Irritated |
I have to do more
work |
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One friend to another:
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"You" message: You don't
care about anyone but your own sweet self! |
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I-message: I feel hurt when you
only call me to come over to visit when none of your other
friends are available. I feel left out |
| Description of
Behavior |
Description of
Feeling |
Description of
Effects |
| What's the behavior |
What are you feeling as a |
How does this behavior |
| that bothers you? |
result of this behavior? |
affect you? |
| You only call me when you don't
have anyone else to visit |
Hurt |
Left out of things |
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Dad yelling at child
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You" message: You're late again!
I told you to be home by 8:00 and it's 9:00. You have
no consideration at all and care for no one but yourself." |
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I-message: When you come home late,
I get really upset because I worry that something bad
has happened to you. |
| Description of
Behavior |
Description of
Feeling |
Description of
Effects |
What's the behavior
that bothers you?
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What are you feeling
as a result of this behavior? |
How does this behavior
affect you? |
| Coming home late
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Upset |
Worried that something
bad has happened |
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Hints for Successful I-messages
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Be specific in describing the problem
behavior |
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Make eye contact |
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Use a respectful tone of voice, not
an aggressive or confrontational tone |
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Be aware of what your body language
is saying-that it is reinforcing what your words say. |
When an I-message Doesn't Work
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If an I-message isn't working, it
may be a message being given badly. Yes, the words may
be OK, but the tone may be full of blame or rage or disrespect.
Pay attention to the non-verbal message. Is your face
red; are your eyes bulging; are you yelling to the top
of your voice? Or are you cool, calm and collected? There
is little to be gained by sending an anger message. Try
to stop and think about why you are so angry. You will
likely find other feelings underneath the anger: frustration,
embarrassment, rejection, fear, hurt and loneliness |
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Sometimes, an I-message may not work
if the other person has a strong need to continue her
or his behavior. If the other person is upset and out
of control, shift gears. Try active listening, change
the environment, or let him or her blow off steam. |
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I-messages also may not work if
the other person doesn't agree that the "effect"
on you is a real problem. This is a values collision,
which occurs often in families. |
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If there is a conflict of needs,
an I-message won't be enough. You'll need to give up on
the I-message and work out the conflict with some other
techniques. |
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