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Resolving Conflicts
Parents value peaceful environments and want their children to lead conflict-free lives. Yet if children's lives were totally devoid of conflict, they would not learn how to become peacemakers. A certain amount of conflict contributes to children's social development, problem-solving skills and emotional security. Children learn to become peacemakers when they deal effectively with the inevitable conflicts in their families, schools and neighborhoods.

Styles of Handling Conflict

How people handle conflict depends on their upbringing, experiences, values,
culture, and temperament. Some may shy away from conflict and give in rather than explore differences of opinion. Others may feel it is impolite to disagree or argue with another person. Our style influences how we interpret and manage conflicts.

Competing characterizes an individual who pursues her own concerns, sometimes at another person's expense. This is a power-oriented mode in which the individual may use her power and skills to "win " (ability to argue, outrank, etc.). A person with a "competing" style does not often shy away from conflict. Rather, she uses the situation to "stand up for her rights," defend a position that she believes is correct, or simply win.

Accommodating is the opposite of competing. An accommodating person often neglects her own concerns to satisfy the concerns of others. Accommodating may take the form of complying with another person's request (even when preferring not to) or yielding to another person's point of view.

Avoiding characterizes a person who does not want to address conflict; she will take whatever steps she can to pretend the conflict does not exist. Avoiding may take the form of diplomatically sidestepping or postponing an issue, or simply withdrawing from a threatening situation.


Types of Conflict in a Family

 

Parent-Child Conflict
As children advance in age Parent-Child conflict become more and more frequent. Research on parent-child conflict most often has focused on emotional outbursts of parents and children. Parent-child conflict is the result of the increased demands that children make for independence as they grow. Parents however are not ready to grant that independence as early as the children demand. When conflicts occur with younger children, parents typically employ distraction and physical assertion for preventing harm and gaining solution. In middle child-hood, however, parents use less frequent physical punishment and increase the use of techniques such as deprivation of privileges, a sense of humor, arousal of children's sense of guilt, and reminders that children are responsible for what happens to them. Parents must remember to keep in mind the use of appropriate measures to maintain positive relations with their child. They must understand the child's psychology and their own parenting skills to deal effectively with occurring conflicts.

Underlying Causes

Child Development
 
Parent doesn't know child development
 
Has high expectations Misinterprets child's behavior
Child has physical/emotional challenges
Poor Parenting Skills
 
Parent doesn't know child development
Lack of positive reinforcement
Poor role modeling
Too lenient
Too strict
Subtle Abuses:
 
Lack of bonding/nurturing
Insufficient supervision
Unidentified/unclear boundaries
Overly critical

Tips to solve Parent-Child Conflict
The first step in managing anger and family conflict is awareness. Identify your style of dealing with anger, then recognize other OPTIONS:
 
Offer alternate times or actions
Problem-solve in pairs or as a family
Tackle the issue together through compromise or collaboration
Ignore the problem temporarily
Order the necessary action clearly and respectfully
Nip the conflict in the bud by creating a setting that produces peace
Surprise or humor the angry parties
Be a good role model. Children learn general approaches to resolving conflict by watching their parents and other adults in their lives. How do you negotiate? When do you give in? How do you see the other person's point of view? Can you afford to admit that you've been wrong?
Take every opportunity to enhance your child's self-esteem
Give your child a voice in family discussions and decisions. Children are more likely to fight when they feel powerless.
Set aside special times with your children to give them your undivided attention.
Encourage your children to express all their feelings-feelings of anger or hostility as well as sad and happy feelings. In turn, share your feelings with your children.

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